Pain,Forgiveness and Love

I spoke with a childhood friend today and she was very depressed about the dissolvement of her second marriage. It brought back memories of my past marriage. Pain is pain no matter the situation.

I was married for 14 years and my ex-husband decided that he no longer wanted to be married to me. Needless to say, I was in shock. I begged him to stay for the children but that was not an option. I cried a thousand tears. I was angry, hurt, disappointed and numb. Did I do something wrong? Am I not attractive anyone? I felt that my life ended that very moment. I went through depression and withdrew from my family and friends. All I felt was pain. My life spiraled out of control. Was I not good enough to be loved by him?

I eventually moved in with my parents. The adjustment of being an adult child going back home was rough. I was disappointed and felt like a failure. When he would pick up the kids, I would look out of the window and cry. My family  unit no longer existed.

I was going through the motions. My children needed me but I struggled to be a good mom. Again, all I felt was pain. I cried out to God and asked, “Why me?What have I done to deserve this?” I would read a scripture every night and place my bible under my pillow. I asked myself ,”how do I go on?”

I was a junior in college and it took everything in me to get up in the morning, get dressed, take my teenage children to school and then head to class. I cried every time I went to my New Testament class (a pre-requisite at the private college I attended.) and at the end of the course my professor said to me,”Whatever you are going through, if you release the pain, then you can allow God to heal you and make you whole. I cried all the way to my car.

One morning my dad came in my room and said, “Baby, you have to pull yourself together and let go of  the pain. You have to move on so that you can continue to raise your children.  You all need each other.” I heard him but it did not penetrate in my spirit. I wanted to know how God allowed this to happen after all, my children and me would pray every night for him to change his mind and return home. My children were devastated and I could not fix the problem.

As the years went by, I thought that I had forgiven him, But, if my children came to me with something negative or a thought flashed, or someone would pass by wearing the same cologne,the pain would resurface. I finally reached a point that I was ready to truly forgive him. I cried but it was not from pain but tears of joy.

I allowed God in and He touched me and made me whole. Fifteen years have passed and today we are friends. I forgave him because I wanted to move on with my life and I no longer wanted to suffer.

Today, I am happy and whole. In 2008, I met a wonderful man who swept me off my feet and he is my best friend. We married  June 20, 2009 and I packed up, said my goodbyes and moved to Atlanta, Georgia.

I promised God  that I would be transparent and help others who are going through the same thing. God is love and He know what’s best for us. This is how Relationships Start With You came into conception.

You can heal and forgive from a relationship break-up. I did.

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