Women and Relationships Days 12-13 Time to End a Relationship

break up







Statistics show that women have a tendency to stay in a failed relationship far too long. What reasons do you stay when you know it is over? Are there childhood issues i.e. abandonment, absentee father, afraid child’s father will be a dead beat dad or low self- esteem? Some women stay because the ring has been purchased, house has been bought and everyone is expecting a wedding.

The question is what do YOU really want to do? Can you love, cherish, and commit to this person for the rest of your life?  Are you constantly having negative feelings toward your mate? If any of these questions are running through your mind, then it’s time to do some soul-searching. If your relationship is draining, full of drama, destructive or you question your mate’s loyalty then, more than likely, it’s time to get off the roller coaster ride. These are red flags and if you continue to ignore them you will be heartbroken and bitter. Some women have superficial reasons why they stay in a loveless relationship: he is wealthy, cute, a good lover and we have fun. You have to think about the long term effects of a dwindling relationship.

RATIONALE: Breaking up is hard to do but often necessary. Many people involved in long-term relationships feel they have given up their identity to “fit” into someone else’s. The difficulty in breaking up often stems from people being concerned about what others think or they feel the person will change. This creates tension, desperation and insecurity, which bolsters the desire to keep an unhealthy relationship together. The reality of a dead end relationship is you are alone anyway. You have a physical body but an emotionless soul that wants out just as much as you. You need to release yourself from the torment and anxiety of holding on for dear life to a loveless union and allow the right mate in so you can build a meaningful, satisfying and fulfilling relationship.

Everyone experiences highs and lows in their relationships. Pay attention to your inner voice and stop ignoring the obvious. Make a list and write down the good and bad points of your failing relationship. Ask yourself what is the ultimate deal breaker? Dispel the thought that it is better to have someone than to be alone. The loss of a significant relationship can be painful but necessary.

MANTRA: The main reason I should break up is because I am no longer getting what I need. When communicating my feels, needs and desires to my mate and they are ignored or dismissed, it is time to call it quits. The last straw is when I do not look forward to spending time or being intimate with my partner. I must be happy and fulfilled in my relationship and I will not lose my identity to appease someone else.

In my next relationship, I will make sure I am getting _____________ from being with this person. If my needs are not being met, I will_________________.

Women and Relationships Days 8-9 Female Friendships

black white friendshipEssence Magazine, February 2012 issue,had an article called The Relationship Rules. Guest bloggers reviewed the “playbook on dating, sex and when to tell a little white lie.” One of the rules that I found fascinating was “if he’s dated your friend, he’s off limits.”

The guest bloggers’ general consciences was if you have officially ended the relationship, then the guy is free game just as long as you discuss it with your friend. I really pondered over the notion and was surprised at the responses. If you have been sexually involved with your ex, why would it be okay for your friend to date him? Intimate details have been shared among  friends and it would appear to be an awkward situation. I just can’t go along with the ideology because my friendship could possibly be strained even though I have been given the “go ahead” to start dating the “old flame.”

RATIONALE-Where is the logic in this? I’ve heard the rationale that there is a shortage of men. Dating my friend’s ex is too close to home. I value my female friends and I would be so uncomfortable; it’s almost taboo. You have entrusted your friend with personal information and you use it against her to win him over. That is classless. There are enough men in the world that you don’t have to target your friend’s ex.

The number one reason NOT to date your friend’s former partner is because it will eventually break up the friendship and in the process you have lost a trusted friend. How would you feel if the situation was reversed and someone you used to love got involved with your close friend? You have just broken rule # 1: I can’t date him because she dated him. Secondly, none of your friends would want to be around you out of fear that you are checking out their boyfriend. Thirdly, don’t assume that you understand the intimate complexities of their relationship and why they broke up. Women share some things about their beau NOT everything . Lastly, what goes around comes around.

MANTRA: Dating a friend’s ex is never a good idea. Don’t you think for one minute that your friend giving you her blessing doesn’t mind, because she does. It is much better to find someone new than to risk a special friendship/bond over a relationship that may not last.  Curiosity killed the cat and your friendship’s nine lives will come to an end!!!

Remember: true friendships are priceless.

I am guilty of dating my best friend’s ex-boyfriend; however, I realize it was wrong on so many levels because__________________________. I know someone who dated a friend’s boyfriend and the repercussions were_____________________.

Women and Relationships Days 4 and 5-Desperation

I am ALWAYS available. I am clingy. I am afraid to make a mistake. I am afraid to voice my concerns. I need to constantly know the status of my relationship. I fish for compliments. I drop my friends so I am available at all times. I lower my standards. I rationalize bad treatment. Do any of  these statements ring true in your life? If you see yourself exhibiting these types of behavior, you are acting desperate.
What is desperation? the condition of being desperate;recklessness arising from despair.
Desperation is a mental trap of insecurities. This behavior comes from lack of self-respect, poor body image,low self-esteem or a devastating breakup. You are constantly on “high alert.” Anxiety sets in if the phone doesn’t constantly ring or he tells you he is not pleased with your actions. So, you start buying him clothes, expensive cologne, taking him out and then the focal point/goal is pleasing him and not getting your own needs met. You start making unannounced visits. Red Flag: your unsolicited help will be viewed as interfering with his privacy;he won’t appreciate it and it will definitely turn him off!!!
REMEDY: Healthy relationships have balance. When you aren’t looking for a man is when they are most likely to find you. Learn to embrace who you are and be confident in what you have to offer. Understand that you don’t have to put on a “dog and pony show‘ to hold on or attract a man. Be yourself. If the relationship does not work, that means you are not compatible. Stop reading so much into why the relationship dissolved. Some women need professional help to deal with issues that are deeply ingrained into their psyche. Do what it takes to improve your quality of life. It is well worth it . ***Your soul mate is waiting for you and at the precise time your paths will cross. Be patient, enjoy dating and loving you!
Today’s Mantra: I do not have to buy a man. I have qualities that will attract my soul mate. I will not lower my standards because I don’t want to be alone or rejected. I will not sell myself short when it comes to allowing a man into my personal space/world. He must be gainfully employed, respectful, kind, loving, honest, adventurous and have a heart for God. If my values clash with his, it simply means he is not the one for me.
I am guilty of _____________ when it comes to relationships with men. Today, I will work on __________________ to improve myself so that the right man can enter into my life.

RSWY Series-Rebuilding Your Life Part 3

Unrealistic Expectations


Cynthia (Photo credit: ARTS)

What are unrealistic expectations?
According to The Free Dictionary by Fairlex, unrealistic expectation is one who is not compatible with reality or fact; unreasonably idealistic.

Scenario # 2.

Cynthia is hoping that David will change his mind about having a committed relationship. David sees that Cynthia has serious feelings for him so he reminds her of their initial conversation; he is not looking for a serious commitment. Of course, Cynthia has other plans.

David meets Cynthia through a mutual friend. They are instantly attracted to each other; so, they go to a jazz bar and talk for hours.When the evening ends, they decide to exchange numbers. A few days pass and Cynthia is wondering why David hasn’t contacted her. Finally, she retrieves her purse, pulls out her iPhone and calls him; but, when she hears his voice she hangs up.

David recognizes the number and chuckles.He finishes his report,makes a few business calls then he leaves work. On his way home from work, he feels the need to call Cynthia and they chat for a few minutes. He ask Cynthia if she has any plans because he wants to take her to an early dinner and then the movies on Saturday.

Cynthia is ecstatic! She immediately goes to her closet and tries to find the perfect outfit to impress David. Days later,she becomes frantic because she has not heard from him and it’s Friday.  When her phone rings she immediately answers without looking at the caller I.D.; to her dismay it is not David.

David finally calls on Saturday morning to confirm their date;she is more relieved than excited.The movie is great and the food at the fancy restaurant is delicious. Later, Cynthia musters up the courage to ask David what type of relationship he is looking for and he tells her that he wants a non-committal one. She reluctantly agrees. However, in the forefront of her mind , she is hoping that once he gets to know her he will change his mind. After all, she is gorgeous, successful and financially sound.

They continue to casually date for six months. Cynthia is so tempted to shower him with expensive gifts but she knows he won’t accept them and she doesn’t want to run him away. In a moment of haste,she tells David that she is in love with him.(red flag) He can see it in her eyes.David reminds her of their initial conversation; he is not looking for a committed relationship. He doesn’t want to hurt her;however, he makes the decision to stop dating Cynthia and she is devastated.

Cynthia expected a great deal from David because she was dependent and insecure. She lacked confidence and relied on David to fill the void of her unsatisfied needs.Often, women like Cynthia believe that men ought to treat them the way they want them to respond. As beautiful and successful as Cynthia was portrayed, she was broken and needed affirmation. Women tend to put a superficial relationship on a pedestal expecting more than a man is willing to give. Then when men fail to meet a woman’s expectation, she feels betrayed, hurt and resentful. David was very clear at the beginning and it was up to Cynthia to either accept or reject his terms.

The good news is there are ways to improve feelings of self-worth, abandonment and insecurity. First, acknowledge that you have low self-esteem. Understand that attention  does not necessarily constitute a possible relationship. There are some men that are not ready to settle down so appreciate the honesty. In addition, there are issues that are childhood related such as the need to please a parent so they can feel affirmed, loved and nurtured.

A life coach helps people transform their lives and obtain the happiness that they desire. The coaching conversation will unblock your obstacles and take you to new heights.

Healthy relationships do start with you. You have to be confident, secure within yourself and recognize what is best for you. “If it doesn’t fit, don’t force it.”

Excerpts from Relationships Start With You