RSWY Series-Rebuilding Your Life Part 3

Unrealistic Expectations


Cynthia (Photo credit: ARTS)

What are unrealistic expectations?
According to The Free Dictionary by Fairlex, unrealistic expectation is one who is not compatible with reality or fact; unreasonably idealistic.

Scenario # 2.

Cynthia is hoping that David will change his mind about having a committed relationship. David sees that Cynthia has serious feelings for him so he reminds her of their initial conversation; he is not looking for a serious commitment. Of course, Cynthia has other plans.

David meets Cynthia through a mutual friend. They are instantly attracted to each other; so, they go to a jazz bar and talk for hours.When the evening ends, they decide to exchange numbers. A few days pass and Cynthia is wondering why David hasn’t contacted her. Finally, she retrieves her purse, pulls out her iPhone and calls him; but, when she hears his voice she hangs up.

David recognizes the number and chuckles.He finishes his report,makes a few business calls then he leaves work. On his way home from work, he feels the need to call Cynthia and they chat for a few minutes. He ask Cynthia if she has any plans because he wants to take her to an early dinner and then the movies on Saturday.

Cynthia is ecstatic! She immediately goes to her closet and tries to find the perfect outfit to impress David. Days later,she becomes frantic because she has not heard from him and it’s Friday.  When her phone rings she immediately answers without looking at the caller I.D.; to her dismay it is not David.

David finally calls on Saturday morning to confirm their date;she is more relieved than excited.The movie is great and the food at the fancy restaurant is delicious. Later, Cynthia musters up the courage to ask David what type of relationship he is looking for and he tells her that he wants a non-committal one. She reluctantly agrees. However, in the forefront of her mind , she is hoping that once he gets to know her he will change his mind. After all, she is gorgeous, successful and financially sound.

They continue to casually date for six months. Cynthia is so tempted to shower him with expensive gifts but she knows he won’t accept them and she doesn’t want to run him away. In a moment of haste,she tells David that she is in love with him.(red flag) He can see it in her eyes.David reminds her of their initial conversation; he is not looking for a committed relationship. He doesn’t want to hurt her;however, he makes the decision to stop dating Cynthia and she is devastated.

Cynthia expected a great deal from David because she was dependent and insecure. She lacked confidence and relied on David to fill the void of her unsatisfied needs.Often, women like Cynthia believe that men ought to treat them the way they want them to respond. As beautiful and successful as Cynthia was portrayed, she was broken and needed affirmation. Women tend to put a superficial relationship on a pedestal expecting more than a man is willing to give. Then when men fail to meet a woman’s expectation, she feels betrayed, hurt and resentful. David was very clear at the beginning and it was up to Cynthia to either accept or reject his terms.

The good news is there are ways to improve feelings of self-worth, abandonment and insecurity. First, acknowledge that you have low self-esteem. Understand that attention  does not necessarily constitute a possible relationship. There are some men that are not ready to settle down so appreciate the honesty. In addition, there are issues that are childhood related such as the need to please a parent so they can feel affirmed, loved and nurtured.

A life coach helps people transform their lives and obtain the happiness that they desire. The coaching conversation will unblock your obstacles and take you to new heights.

Healthy relationships do start with you. You have to be confident, secure within yourself and recognize what is best for you. “If it doesn’t fit, don’t force it.”

Excerpts from Relationships Start With You

Series:Rebuilding Your Life-Relationships Part 1

Today, we are beginning a series called Rebuilding Your Life. How many of you have experienced unexpected setbacks? All of us. Then, certain questions arise as a result of the setback.Why did my relationship end and what am I going to do? Is there something wrong with me? Where will I get the money to pay my bills when I have lost my job? Who will hire me at my age? How do I deal with a difficult manager? We begin to panic and the stress of rebuilding our lives become overwhelming; thus, we seek direction from others i.e friends,family,clergy,therapist or life coach.

It’s true that our experience of stress lies in how we view things. The problem worsens when we have too many stressors in our lives; it takes a consistent, conscious effort to recover physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. So, the question is how to recognize stress and what steps to take to alleviate it. The solution is to eliminate some of the problems (the ones you can control) that cause stress by developing new habits, finding different way of viewing/handling the issue and incorporating physical activities that reduce stress levels. Below are scenarios that are relational. Let’s look at them.

Scenario # 1 Infidelity Raymond and Rita Robinson’s marriage is crumbling right before their eyes and they’re communicating by yelling, screaming, crying, swearing, or trying to reason with one another but nothing changes. The most painful stressor in a relationship is infidelity. Not only are the Robinson’s marriage falling apart, Rita finds out that her husband of fourteen years is cheating and wants out of the marriage.

Scenario # 2 Unrealistic Expectations Sometimes a relationship is non-committal .Cynthia is hoping that  David will change his mind, see how wonderful she is and decides to make a commitment after all. David reminds her of their initial conversation that he is not looking for a committed relationship. Of course, Cynthia is devastated.

Scenario # 3 Low self-esteem Angela is  in love with Richard. At the beginning, they are close, spend most of their time together and have discussed the possibility of marriage. However, Richard acknowledges (to himself) that the only reason he is with Angela is because she pays his bills, splurges on clothes and jewelry and always offers to pay for vacations.  So, he slowly pulls away from her. Poor Angela feels the only way she can keep Richard is to shower him with gifts and money so that he won’t leave her. She views herself as unattractive, overweight and unlovable. How do these couples, in all three scenarios, come to terms with their situations, start the healing process and rebuild their lives?

What would you do?

Tune in tomorrow for the solutions!



(Excerpts from Relationships Start With You)